little Ian at school

[Graham]

LITTLE Ian ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Ian.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little Ian says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little Ian replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'



LITTLE Ian ON MATH (Part 2)

Little Ian returns from school and says he got an I in arithmetic

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies Ian.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the ****ing difference?' asks the father

'That's what I said!'

LITTLE Ian ON ENGLISH

Little Ian goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Ian says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Ian, that's a mouthful.'

Little Ian says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE Ian ON GRAMMAR

Little Ian was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, Ian, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-I-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow You to go.'

Little Ian, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger ****, you'd be a TEN !'

LITTLE Ian ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called! On little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Ian.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was Pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f ****** beautiful!''





LITTLE Ian ON GETTING OLDER

Little Ian was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little Ian replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old..'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little Ian answered, 'No, he minded his own f ****** business.
I LOVE Little Ian!!!!!

[Graham]

With Age comes Wisdom
++++++++++++++++++

A guy is 72years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day

when he heard a voice say,

'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see any one.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say a gain,

'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.

Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time,

reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?

I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'


With age comes wisdom.

[Acidburn]

LOL those are some quality jokes

thanks for cheering up my morning

[fish]

That´s made my day anyway. Thank you=)

[Graham]

Extremely touching and thought provoking!!
I found this beautiful Aussie Summer poem and thought it might be a comfort to you. It was to me and it's very well written; I hope you enjoy it because it's the best piece of English literature I've seen in quite a while....

'An Aussie Summer '
A poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre
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[Graham]

Sorry Admin mods

[vonbeck]

little ian on FARMYARD noises:

teacher says after yesterdays trip to the farm , we are all going to see if we can remember the noises each of the animals made, so one by one the children put up their hands and when the teacher asks them they make the noise, little suzie is asked first, teacher says a cow little susie replies moooo! then little jonnie is asked, a sheep? jonnie replies baaaa and so on all around the class the teacher thinking they have covered every animal they saw is a little bit shocked to see little ian`s hand still up in the air so she say`s to him, are you sure you`ve got a different one he says yes miss i`m positive go one say`s the teacher, the farmer miss, say`s little ian. the farmer replies the teacher, yes miss,
.
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.
.
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.
. GET OFF THAT FU@#;ING TRACTOR







G

[Acidburn]

good thread this

[Graham]

The diagram here below shows the process in a man vs. woman's brain when this simple phrase is pronounced by their partner: "Shall we go for a drink?"

[Graham]

Drink Driving... THIS is absolutely brilliant!

Only an Aussie could pull this one off!

A true story from the Mount Isa in Queensland.
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

[Acidburn]

heard that last one before, still makes me chuckle

[Graham]

Why, Why, Why....

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?


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Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?

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Why does someone
Believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?



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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

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Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?


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Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?


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Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?


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If people evolved from apes,
Why are there still apes?


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Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

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Is there ever a day that mattresses
Are not on sale?

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Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

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Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?


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Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?



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How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?


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Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?


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In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?


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How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

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And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

[Graham]

Sorry for this one

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as









PINO MORE



I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

[Graham]

The Postman [Nothings-changed] //has it??



One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob , the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob , looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the mailman comments. Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This isthe first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?" The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that." "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven times."

[Graham]

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your **** over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're pitched, you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or ****. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free **** passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is & nbsp; you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are poofter.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to beep at a slow-arsed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.