Football fans and more

[Graham]

I just got this amazing e-mail and it really works:

This is Great !!!!!!!!!!send this to 5 people within 3 minutes

and **** all will happen to you.

Nothing pops up on the screen

and you don't have good luck or win anything

I don't know how it works, it just does

I tried it and its true !! **** all happened !!!

IT REALLY WORKS !

[Graham]

Being British

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a

Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all?

Suspicion of all things foreign!

Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET Coke.

Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.

And finally...

In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet

[Graham]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.

A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all
different colors: green, > red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared.

Every time the teenager looked, the old man was staring.

The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never
done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied....."Got drunk once and had sex
with a peacock.........I was wondering if you were my son."

[Graham]

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her
a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and its an absolute steal at
only $20."

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result
its language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad
minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".

So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new
home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "F==k me, a new
brothel and a new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel" scolds the woman trying not to
laugh.

A little later the womans two teenage daughters arrive home. "Un
f==king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new
prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the
girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the womans husband Dave comes home.

"In f==kinig-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the
same old clients ..... How ya doin', Dave?"

[Graham]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of
Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of
each one in turn.

When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three
more. The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I
draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One
is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to
remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it
there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the
same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking
drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other
regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I
wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns
in his eye and he laughs.

"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me..."
"...I've quit drinking!"

[Graham]

The history of the middle finger


Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

[Graham]

Sorry mods if the last one offends

[Graham]

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a
half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man

turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?" The

priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping

around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned..." then returned to
his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.

How long have you

had arthritis?"

The drunk answered:

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[Graham]

Cute chick gets covered in flour:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsE4qEfEfO4&eurl=http://learnerstwobuners.ning.com/video/dont-do-this-to-your-lass

[Graham]

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

(This one is too funny to not forward.)

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed
to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that
'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said,
'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat,

'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray -up, Bitch'

[Graham]

Good reason to build a dragway so this kind of thing is contained

Illegal Drag Racing

A friend who works for the Police Department received the attached photo of a drag race that went horribly bad.

It's kind of disturbing to look at, but it serves as a reminder of what can happen when drag races occur.

Keep drag racing off the streets

Scroll down to see picture





















































[IMG][/IMG]

[Graham]

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter around her feet as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, 'Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!'

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.'Harder!'
Yelled Camilla. 'Harder!'

Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

Come on! Give it all you've got!' she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, 'There! Oh, God, that feels so good!'

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, 'See? I told you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!'

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, 'Oh,God, darling! This one's even tighter!'

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, 'That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!