Nick Clegg delighted by new fagging portfolio
Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has said that he is honoured by his new
appointment as personal fag to David Cameron. Under the arrangement, Mr
Clegg will perform household chores for the Prime Minister including
pressing his trousers, brushing his jacket and polishing his shoes. In
return, Mr Cameron will protect Clegg from being bullied by other members
of Cabinet.
Of course Clegg is not a full boarder, said Cameron, he's a day boy,
but rest assured, we will treat him with the respect that he deserves.
This is a unique opportunity, said Clegg, For some people, running
around and opening doors for your fag-master might seem demeaning, but for
me, this is a price that I have to pay. That, and my lunch money.
David Cameron denied allegations that some Liberal Democrats were already
being bullied after Danny Alexander was found with his head down the
lavatory and Chris Huhne had to visit matron after being given a wedgie.
This is all part of the rough and tumble of government, said Cameron, I
am sure that the new bugs will soon get used to this horseplay and find
their rightful place in the pecking order, at the bottom.
Meanwhile, it is understood that Vince Cable will be expected to wear a
pinny and serve tea to Chancellor, George Osborne. This isnt exactly
what I had signed up for, said Mr Cable, and it may take a little while
getting used to my new ministerial title as Scullion.
When asked whether he had sold out to the Prime Minister, Clegg replied,
I have made his bed, and he will lie in it.
COMMENT 12-05-10
BRITAIN'S long, national nightmare was over last night as the nation was
once again placed in the safe, reliable hands of some vaguely effeminate
public school boys.
Fishy Frobisher is in charge of the railways after three years of being
governed by a rough, nasty boy from a state school who shouted at everyone
and didn't like custard.
Britain wakes up today knowing it could introduce both the Prime Minister
and Deputy Prime Minister to its parents without having to endure an
uncomfortable silence as they realised they had nothing in common.
David Cameron met a visibly relieved Queen shortly after 8pm, accepting
her invitation to form a government of gentlemen before laughing their
heads off about how Gordon Brown used to say 'tea' instead of 'supper'.
Minutes later the new Prime Minister spoke to the nation outside Number
10, peeing gently into his trousers while his glowing wife Samantha stood
behind him wearing the smile of someone at a summer drinks party who has
just turned round to see a demented rhinoceros thundering across the lawn.
The coalition deal was finally sealed yesterday evening, during a hastily
arranged phone call between David Cameron and Nick Clegg, where they
compared notes on the daughters of minor aristocrats that they had felt up
at charity balls in the 1980s.The Prime Minister's spokesman said: "We
knew we had a workable, five year deal when Dave and Nick both realised
they had probably fingered the Hon. Charlotte Brampton during the same
Henley Regatta."
The new administration started work immediately as Downing Street released
the first round of cabinet appointments including Binky, Pinky, Ponky,
Porky, Barmy, Smarmy, Splodger, Dodger, Bodger, Badger, Fishy Frobisher,
good old Charlie Two-Yachts and Vince Cable. Last night a Treasury source
insisted Mr Cable and the new chancellor Binky Osborne were already
working well together, adding: "They're even finishing each other's
sentences. Of course the sentence does completely change its meaning half
way through, and ends up making no sense whatsoever, but they are at least
sharing the same sentence. And that's historic."
But across Britain there were mixed feelings as the Labour Party
relinquished power, with some wondering whether they would ever hate
anyone quite as much again, while others welcomed a new set of characters
they could make anonymous online death threats against.
"Toodle pip!"
Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has said that he is honoured by his new
appointment as personal fag to David Cameron. Under the arrangement, Mr
Clegg will perform household chores for the Prime Minister including
pressing his trousers, brushing his jacket and polishing his shoes. In
return, Mr Cameron will protect Clegg from being bullied by other members
of Cabinet.
Of course Clegg is not a full boarder, said Cameron, he's a day boy,
but rest assured, we will treat him with the respect that he deserves.
This is a unique opportunity, said Clegg, For some people, running
around and opening doors for your fag-master might seem demeaning, but for
me, this is a price that I have to pay. That, and my lunch money.
David Cameron denied allegations that some Liberal Democrats were already
being bullied after Danny Alexander was found with his head down the
lavatory and Chris Huhne had to visit matron after being given a wedgie.
This is all part of the rough and tumble of government, said Cameron, I
am sure that the new bugs will soon get used to this horseplay and find
their rightful place in the pecking order, at the bottom.
Meanwhile, it is understood that Vince Cable will be expected to wear a
pinny and serve tea to Chancellor, George Osborne. This isnt exactly
what I had signed up for, said Mr Cable, and it may take a little while
getting used to my new ministerial title as Scullion.
When asked whether he had sold out to the Prime Minister, Clegg replied,
I have made his bed, and he will lie in it.
COMMENT 12-05-10
BRITAIN'S long, national nightmare was over last night as the nation was
once again placed in the safe, reliable hands of some vaguely effeminate
public school boys.
Fishy Frobisher is in charge of the railways after three years of being
governed by a rough, nasty boy from a state school who shouted at everyone
and didn't like custard.
Britain wakes up today knowing it could introduce both the Prime Minister
and Deputy Prime Minister to its parents without having to endure an
uncomfortable silence as they realised they had nothing in common.
David Cameron met a visibly relieved Queen shortly after 8pm, accepting
her invitation to form a government of gentlemen before laughing their
heads off about how Gordon Brown used to say 'tea' instead of 'supper'.
Minutes later the new Prime Minister spoke to the nation outside Number
10, peeing gently into his trousers while his glowing wife Samantha stood
behind him wearing the smile of someone at a summer drinks party who has
just turned round to see a demented rhinoceros thundering across the lawn.
The coalition deal was finally sealed yesterday evening, during a hastily
arranged phone call between David Cameron and Nick Clegg, where they
compared notes on the daughters of minor aristocrats that they had felt up
at charity balls in the 1980s.The Prime Minister's spokesman said: "We
knew we had a workable, five year deal when Dave and Nick both realised
they had probably fingered the Hon. Charlotte Brampton during the same
Henley Regatta."
The new administration started work immediately as Downing Street released
the first round of cabinet appointments including Binky, Pinky, Ponky,
Porky, Barmy, Smarmy, Splodger, Dodger, Bodger, Badger, Fishy Frobisher,
good old Charlie Two-Yachts and Vince Cable. Last night a Treasury source
insisted Mr Cable and the new chancellor Binky Osborne were already
working well together, adding: "They're even finishing each other's
sentences. Of course the sentence does completely change its meaning half
way through, and ends up making no sense whatsoever, but they are at least
sharing the same sentence. And that's historic."
But across Britain there were mixed feelings as the Labour Party
relinquished power, with some wondering whether they would ever hate
anyone quite as much again, while others welcomed a new set of characters
they could make anonymous online death threats against.
"Toodle pip!"