Friday joke

[AL80]

I read that one with the phrase "a bee has stung her" in it instead!

[Bowlerwell]

Why did Tigger have brown hands?


He had been playing with Pooh...

[rotoryboy]

As there are loads of SW fans , I though i'd put this on here, well................it made me smile

[Jamo]

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday.

His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something on the driveway for
me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She
opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

[dan_b]

[Jamo]

[A6 2,7Biturbo]

pmsl

[dan_b]

After a night of drinking, Mr. O'Connell was driving home from the pub when he was pulled over. The policeman came up to the car and asked for his licence and registration, which he gladly handed over.

"Mr. O'Connell, have you been out to the pub tonight?" The officer asked.

"Aye officer, that I have, I won't be lying to ya. I have been out to the pub tonight indeed." Mr. O'Connell responded.

"And did you have a bit much to drink tonight?"

"Aye officer, I suppose I did have a bit much to drink. Is that why you pulled me over?"

"Well no, actually," said the officer, "It's about your wife. After you took that last corner there, she fell right out of the car…"

"Oh thank you for telling me officer, I thought that I was going deaf."

[rotoryboy]

An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the First
Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's
obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along.

After thirty minutes the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese."

The First Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?"

"Your people bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese."

"Nooooo, noooo, Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike."

Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No like
Jew."

"Why not? Why don't you like Jews?"

"Jews sink Titanic."

"The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same."

[dan_b]

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.

"Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a bite out of my trunk 47 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.

"Yes," says the elephant. (wait for it.....)







"Turtle recall"

[Jamo]

OMG Dan thats so bad!

[dm80]

2 guys are sittin in the pub when in walks a man who strolls up to the bar and orders a drink. One of the mates whispers to his mate - "bloody hell, look, that man at the bar - half his face is an orange"

The other mate turns round and true enough, he can't believe his eyes - half the man's face is an orange.

"I've got to ask him about this" says one of the mates.
"Naw, dinnae just pretend we didnae see him".
"Naw, I've got to ask him - are you no just a wee bit curious?"
"I awright - you go"

So one of the guys approaches the man at the bar. "Excuse me, I can't help but notice that half your face is an orange. Do you mind me asking what happened?".

"No, not at all" replies the man. "I was travelling in Africa last year when I stumbled on this old lamp. I picked it up and gave it a wee rub as it was looking a bit dirty and as I did so out popped what can only be described as a genie"

"Bloody hell" replies the guy.

"The genie then asks if I want 3 wishes? Anything I want will be granted.
OK, I said, I want my wallet to never be empty. True enough, everytime I was down to my last fiver the wallet would immediately fill back up again."

"Excellent wish by the way. Drinks on you then? What about the 2nd wish?"

"Well, my next wish was that the most beautiful sexiest women in the world would find me attractive"

"Did it work?" asked the guy

"Unbelievable - I was being chased by the most gorgeous women wherever I went withought even trying"

By this time the enquisitor was enthralled.

"Wow, great 2 wishes. What was your final wish?"

"My final wish was .......






















... that half my face was an orange".

[topsparky]

i bloke goes to the toilets in a gay bar ,he walks up to the door and see's a sticker saying"BEWARE OF PUFFS"
he walks in to the toilet does his business and goes to wash his hands in the mirror
he see's another sticker "BEWARE OF PUFFS"
he carries on washing his hands , but drops the soap ,on the floor is another sticker
you've been fooking warned twice

[Bowlerwell]

2 rabbits go into a pub.

They go up to the bar, and both order cheese & ham toasties.

After eating their lovely toasties, they decide that they would both like another.
When they tried to order, the barman politely told them that there was only enough cheese & Ham for one toastie... so they ordered one cheese & Ham toastie, and one BLT toastie.
Again they were lovely. The 2 rabbits left the pub satisfied.

But on the way home, the one who had the BLT colapsed on the ground whilst the other was perfectly alright. He knelt down and said to his mate, "what's wrong!!"

His mate said....







"I'm a gonner for mixin'-my-toasties!"


(du dum tshshsh)

[Jas11n]

Help Tony

A motorist, on his way home from work in Westminster came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself,
"Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual."

After a short while he noticed a police officer coming towards him between the lines of stopped cars.
He rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what`s the hold up?"

The constable replied,
"Tony Blair is depressed, so he has stopped his motorcar and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire.
He is upset that no one believes his stories:
about why we went to war in Iraq;
or that there is no pension crisis;
and no worsening economy;
or that there is no constant adding of stealth taxes;
or that the health service is safe in his hands;
or that his education reforms are doing any good;
or that immigration is under control;
or that he is not George Bush's lapdog;
or that his party's proposed tax cuts won't help anyone except his wealthy friends;
or that his chairmanship of the European Community hasn't just led to more power being surrendered to the French;
or that the sacked NHS boss deserves his multi-million payoff and peerage;
or that his Cartier-adorned Wicked Witch never breaks the ministerial code over her blind passion for freebies;
or that none of his cabinet ministers have ever had dodgy spouses and/or secret offshore bank accounts and/or questionable shareholdings;
or that he will never be caught up in Silvio's dirty laundry spin;
or that following the 'sham' Hutton report he is increasingly using the BBC for his own political ends ........

So we're taking up a collection for him."
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Thoughtfully, the man asked, "How much have you got so far?"
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"About 40 gallons, but some people are still syphoning..........

Jas