good joke that couldn't wait till friday

[MidnightBlueS2]

>A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
>confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
>
>"Good morning" said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of
>your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
>Vacuum cleaners."
>
>"F*** off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she
>proceeded to close the door.
>
>Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
>it wide open.
>
>"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
>demonstration."
>
>And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse s**t all over her hallway
>carpet.
>
>"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse s**t
>from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
>
>"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a f***ing good appetite because the
>electricity was cut off this morning."

[A6 2,7Biturbo]

good one david

[BosnianS2]

A kid in one of the classrooms was being very rude to girls, talkin about dirty things and calling them inapropriate names. So one day girls decided to complain to teacher about it. So teacher told girls that next time boy says anything inapropriate, all girs need to immeadeately run out of class room.
Next day they were doing exercise in classroom where each student had to say something new they found out about their city.
Everybody was taking turns and then it was little boys turn.
Hes got up and said: I found out that there is new strip club built two blocks away.
Immedeately all girls started to run out of class room, when small boy started to yell again;
Slow down b....es, they just got done with foundation

[PeteRR]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs, one night he's doing a show
in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual
'dumb blonde' jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands up on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can
stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth
as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected
at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a
person. All because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against
not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!"


The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

>

>

>
>

>



"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little sh*t on your knee!"

[s2_bo]

LOL... Classic

[Jas11n]

Subject: How to give a cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing
wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down
drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to partners forearm, and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve f***ing cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie the little *******'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.>
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get partner to drive you to casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1) Wrap it in cheese.
2) Toss it to dog.

[rotoryboy]

Subject: How to give a cat a pill

I read this a long time ago in a Vet's column in a Spanish newspaper. Still has to be the funniest mental pictures ever

[PeteRR]

Some more light entertainment for you footy fan's........

Apparently this was the chant to the 'Lord of the Dance' tune at
Man United the other day:
"Park, Park, Where ever you may be
You eat dogs in your homecountry
But it could be worse
You could be a scouse eating rats in your council house"

**************************************

To the tune of 'The Addams Family' by fans visiting Norwich:
Your sister is your mother
Your uncle is your brother
You all f@*k one another
The Norwich family
der der der der clap clap etc

**************************************

Newcastle fans towards Sunderland fans.

'Going down, going down, going down.'

Sunderland fans reply.....

'So are we , so are we , so are we.'

***************************************

"Where's your real dad, where's your real dad!?"

Charlton fans to Shaun Wright-Philips

***************************************

Toon fans to JF Hasselbaink. He even laughed!:

"You're just a fat Eddie Murphy"

***************************************

To the tune of Craig David's 'Re-rewind':

"VAN PER-SIE, WHEN A GIRL SAYS NO - MOLEST HER"

***************************************

To Graham Rix when he was released from prison after being
convicted for, well, you know... (To the Manic Street Preachers
song):

"If you tolerate RIX, then your children will be next"

****************************************

West brom sang:

the premier league is upside down the premier league is
upside
down we're up the top chelsea bottom the premier league is
upside down

then a few seconds later

champions...............champions.............cham pions!

***************************************

He's here, he's there
We're not allowed to swear
Frank Leboeuf, Frank Leboeuf"

Chelsea fans after Leboeuf said in a radio interview that
he didn't like the idea of a swear word in his song.

**************************************

A song about Tim Howard's tourettes syndrome.....

*in style of 'Chim-Chiminey'*

Tim timminy
Tim timminy
Tim Tim Tirooo
We've got Tim Howard
and he says F*CK YOU!!

***************************************

In reference to Jamie Carragher's dad being banned from
football stadia after being arrested for being drunk at a football match...

He's red,
He's sound,
He's banned from every ground,
Carra's dad,
Carra's dad

***************************************

Sung by Birmingham fans after Heskey started banging in the
goals at St Andrews...

Theres only one Emile Heskey,
one Emile Heskey,
He used to be sh**e,
But now hes alright,
Walking in a Heskey wonderland

***************************************

Here's a beauty sung at Highbury when Cygan is drafted in
as emergency cover...

He's bald,
He's sh*t,
He gets a game when no-one's fit, Pascal Cygan!
Pascal Cygan!

***************************************

To the tune of Rebel Rebel

Neville Neville, you play in defence, Neville Neville, your
play is immense, Neville Neville, like Jacko you're bad,
Neville Neville is the name of your dad

****************************************

Don't blame it on the Biscan,
Don't blame it on the Hamann,
Don't blame it on the Finnan,
Blame it on Traore,
He just can't, He just can't, He just can't control his feet.
He just can't, He just can't, He just can't control his feet.


**************************************

"Two Andy Gorams, there's only two Andy Gorams"...

Celtic fans to Andy Goram after it was revealed the chubby
keeper was diagnosed with Schizophrenia.