mondays joke

[topsparky]

hope this is one of my better jokes

A middle aged man bought a brand new convertible Porsche.
He took off down the road, pushed it up to 160 and was enjoying the wind
blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.
But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Police Car
behind him, blue lights flashing.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it
some more, and flew down the road at over 210 km/hr to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, what the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of
thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to
catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the drivers
side.

"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can
give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were
speeding, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off
with a Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

[vonbeck]

brill

[S2 Ant]

[volcano rs]

deano your monday joke is better than your friday jokes

[Jas11n]

Almost midweek joke

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: Whats that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Doesnt matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

[topsparky]

see if you like this one
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.



One day, their passions overcame them and they took
off for
her
house,
where
they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted
from the
wild sex, they
fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man
threw on
his

clothes,
he
told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub
them through
the grass
and
dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He
slipped into
his
shoes and

drove home.


"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he
entered the
house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an
affair with
my secretary
and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell
asleep and

didn't wake up
until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You
lying
*******!
You've been playing golf!"


The Affairs


THE FIRST
AFFAIR


There was a middle-aged couple that had two
stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They
decided to try
one
last time
for the son they always wanted. After months of
trying, the
wife finally
became pregnant and sure enough,
delivered a
healthy baby boy
nine months
later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to
see his
new
son. He
took
one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child
he had
ever
seen. He

went to his wife and said that there was no way he
could be
the
father of
that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I
fathered!"
Then he gave
her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling
around on
me?" The wife

just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


THE SECOND AFFAIR:


A mortician was working late one night. It was his
job to
examine the dead bodies before they were
sent off to be buried or cremated. As
he examined
the body of
Mr. Schwartz
who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing
discovery:
Schwartz had
the
longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry
Mr.
Schwartz"
said the

mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated
with a
tremendously
huge
private part like this. It has to be saved for
posterity."
With
that, the
coroner used his tools to remove the dead mans'
schlong. He

stuffed his
prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first
person he
showed it to
was his wife. "I have something to show you that
you won't
believe," he
said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she
screamed,

"Schwartz is
dead!"

[Jas11n]

Who has a farting problem???

Sort it out here.

[Jas11n]

How you know you're flying over africa ? ?
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[Jas11n]

Matrix Cow?

[topsparky]

Who has a farting problem???

Sort it out here.

i hope it does n't vibrate that could be a problem(for some hee hee)

[topsparky]

Matrix Cow?

funny as f"£k i like that one jas

[Jas11n]

funny as f"£k i like that one jas

Good isn't it, I laughed like mad at that.

Jas

[Markarina]

Catching Salmon

[HPmuirt]

Good isn't it, I laughed like mad at that.

Jas

Careful...could be you caught mad cow disease

Cheers n steers

Si

[topsparky]

here another joke 4 monday hope it makes you all laugh



During a game of "couples" golf.......

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place
her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of
underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband
demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford
any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For
the
sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Scot's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Aggie! Where the
frig are yer drawers woman!" She replies, "You dinna give me enough money
ta be able
ta affarrd any." He reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love
'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some!"

Lastly, the Irishman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder
of Jesus, and all that's sacred woman! Where the **** are yer knickers?"
She too explains, "You don't give me enough money to buy new feckin
knickers."
The Irishman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, here's a comb. Tidy
yerself up a bit will ya!"