Wednesday Humour

[Markarina]

Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs
one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's
amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your Monkey just
did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table.... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
in sight. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey
ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
Cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out,and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls
it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey just did?" he asks.

"No, What?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[dm80]

Im think I might be the only person on the planet that finds the following joke hilarious:




2 guys are sittin in the pub when in walks a man who strolls up to the bar and orders a drink. One of the mates whispers to his mate - "bloody hell, look, that man at the bar - half his face is an orange"

The other mate turns round and true enough, he can't believe his eyes - half the man's face is an orange.

"I've got to ask him about this" says one of the mates.
"No, don't just pretend we didn't see him".
"No, I've got to ask him - are you not just a wee bit curious?"
"Yeah ok - you go"

So one of the guys approaches the man at the bar. "Excuse me, I can't help but notice that half your face is an orange. Do you mind me asking what happened?".

"No, not at all" replies the man. "I was travelling in Africa last year when I stumbled on this old lamp. I picked it up and gave it a wee rub as it was looking a bit dirty and as I did so out popped what can only be described as a genie"

"Bloody hell" replies the guy.

"The genie then asks if I want 3 wishes? Anything I want will be granted.
OK, I said, I want my wallet to never be empty. True enough, everytime I was down to my last fiver the wallet would immediately fill back up again."

"Excellent wish by the way. Drinks on you then? What about the 2nd wish?"

"Well, my next wish was that the most beautiful sexiest women in the world would find me attractive"

"Did it work?" asked the guy

"Unbelievable - I was being chased by the most gorgeous women wherever I went withought even trying"

By this time the enquisitor was enthralled.

"Wow, great 2 wishes. What was your final wish?"

"My final wish was .......






















... that half my face was an orange".

[Jamo]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows
her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom
is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There
are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of
cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire
wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly
arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he
had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all
along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the
middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the
top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to
have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention
this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a
while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be
the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds
warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he
romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where
they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so
overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more
creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this
sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman
rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was
it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply
into her eyes,
and says...........................................







Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

[Azman]

@ Jamo

[s2_bo]

Pmsl....

[MidnightBlueS2]

[john881000]

.

[jogi730]

The way things appear on here, you may have seen this already, but this really made me chuckle!

Rod Stewart and Paul McCartny having a drink down the pub.

' So Paul, with everything that has happened to you just lately, do you think you would ever go down on one knee again?

' F**k off Rod! We're not even on speaking terms'.

Cheers
Chris

[jubjub]

[Coxy]

The way things appear on here, you may have seen this already, but this really made me chuckle!

Rod Stewart and Paul McCartny having a drink down the pub.

' So Paul, with everything that has happened to you just lately, do you think you would ever go down on one knee again?

' F**k off Rod! We're not even on speaking terms'.

Cheers
Chris

[pixsaudisex2]

what had 3 legs and lived on a farm




the McCartnys