I know it's an old one, but still brings a laugh every year 
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Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mummy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mum, who whines at him constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Lego instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the ****s and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jack Daniels.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porn films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money on the slot machines.
Santa
P.S. Tell your mom she got the part.
Long Dong Claus
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa.
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging rubbish may work with your parents, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly jumper again.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your head kicked in at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent council flat. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
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Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mummy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mum, who whines at him constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Lego instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?
Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the ****s and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jack Daniels.
Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porn films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money on the slot machines.
Santa
P.S. Tell your mom she got the part.
Long Dong Claus
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa.
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging rubbish may work with your parents, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly jumper again.
Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your head kicked in at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent council flat. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
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