Sunday service
>An elderly couple went to church as usual on Sunday
>for the morning service. About halfway through
>she leans over and says, "I just had a silent fart what
>do you think I should do?"
>He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
>A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
>One day, their passions overcame them and they took
>off for
>her
>house,
>where
>they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted
>from the
>wild sex, they
>fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man
>threw on
>his
>clothes,
>he
>told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub
>them through
>the grass
>and
>dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He
>slipped into
>his
>shoes and
>drove home
>"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he
>entered the
>house.
>"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an
>affair with
>my secretary
>and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell
>asleep and
>
>didn't wake up
>until eight o'clock."
>The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You
>lying
>*******!
>You've been playing golf!"
>The Affairs
>THE FIRST
>AFFAIR
>There was a middle-aged couple that had two
>stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They
>decided to try
>one
>last time
>for the son they always wanted. After months of
>trying, the
>wife finally
>became pregnant and sure enough,
>delivered a
>healthy baby boy
>nine months
>later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to
>see his
>new
>son. He
>took
>one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child
>he had
>ever
>seen. He
>
>went to his wife and said that there was no way he
>could be
>the
>father of
>that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I
>fathered!"
>Then he gave
>her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling
>around on
>me?" The wife
>just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>THE SECOND AFFAIR:
>A mortician was working late one night. It was his
>job to
>examine the dead bodies before they were
>sent off to be buried or cremated. As
>he examined
>the body of
>Mr. Schwartz
>who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing
>discovery:
>Schwartz had
>the
>longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry
>Mr.
>Schwartz"
>said the
>
>mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated
>with a
>tremendously
>huge
>private part like this. It has to be saved for
>posterity."
>With
>that, the
>coroner used his tools to remove the dead mans'
>schlong. He
>
>stuffed his
>prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first
>person he
>showed it to
>was his wife. "I have something to show you that
>you won't
>believe," he
>said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she
>screamed,
>
>"Schwartz is
>dead!"
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>THE THIRD AFFAIR:
>A woman was in
>bed with her lover when she heard her husband
>opening the
>
>front
>door.
>"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She
>quickly rubbed
>baby oil all
>over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
>"Don't move
>until I tell
>you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a
>statue."
>"What's
>
>this,
>honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the
>room. "Oh,
>it's
>a statue,"
>she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one
>for their
>bedroom. I liked
>it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said
>about the
>
>statue, not
>even later when they went to sleep. Around two in
>the
>morning,
>the husband
>got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a
>while
>later
>with a
>sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to
>the statue,
>
>"eat
>something.
>I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days,
>and
>nobody
>offered me
>as
>much as a glass of water."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>THE FOURTH AFFAIR
>A
>man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the
>bar and
>asks
>for a beer.
>"Certainly Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT?"
>exclaimed the
>man. The
>
>barman replied "yes." So the man glances over at
>the menu and
>asks, "Could
>I
>have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas,
>and a fried
>egg?"
>"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that
>comes to real
>money."
>"How
>much money?" inquires the man? "4 cents," he
>replies. "FOUR
>CENTS?"
>exclaims
>the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The
>barman
>replies,
>"Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he
>doing
>
>upstairs with your
>wife?" The bartender replies, "The same thing as
>I'm doing to
>his
>business."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>THE FIFTH AFFAIR:
>
>Jake was dying. His wife,
>Becky,
>was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.
>She held his
>fragile hand,
>tears running down her face. Her praying roused him
>from his
>slumber. He
>looked up and his pale lips began to
>move slightly.
>"Becky my
>darling," he
>whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't
>talk." He
>was
>insistent.
>"Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have
>something that I
>must
>confess."
>
>"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping
>Becky,
>"everything's all
>right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace,
>Becky.
>I....
>I slept
>with
>your sister, your best friend, her best friend and
>your
>
>mother!" "I know,"
>whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."
>An elderly couple went to church as usual on Sunday
>for the morning service. About halfway through
>she leans over and says, "I just had a silent fart what
>do you think I should do?"
>He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
>A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
>One day, their passions overcame them and they took
>off for
>her
>house,
>where
>they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted
>from the
>wild sex, they
>fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man
>threw on
>his
>clothes,
>he
>told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub
>them through
>the grass
>and
>dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He
>slipped into
>his
>shoes and
>drove home
>"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he
>entered the
>house.
>"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an
>affair with
>my secretary
>and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell
>asleep and
>
>didn't wake up
>until eight o'clock."
>The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You
>lying
>*******!
>You've been playing golf!"
>The Affairs
>THE FIRST
>AFFAIR
>There was a middle-aged couple that had two
>stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They
>decided to try
>one
>last time
>for the son they always wanted. After months of
>trying, the
>wife finally
>became pregnant and sure enough,
>delivered a
>healthy baby boy
>nine months
>later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to
>see his
>new
>son. He
>took
>one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child
>he had
>ever
>seen. He
>
>went to his wife and said that there was no way he
>could be
>the
>father of
>that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I
>fathered!"
>Then he gave
>her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling
>around on
>me?" The wife
>just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>THE SECOND AFFAIR:
>A mortician was working late one night. It was his
>job to
>examine the dead bodies before they were
>sent off to be buried or cremated. As
>he examined
>the body of
>Mr. Schwartz
>who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing
>discovery:
>Schwartz had
>the
>longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry
>Mr.
>Schwartz"
>said the
>
>mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated
>with a
>tremendously
>huge
>private part like this. It has to be saved for
>posterity."
>With
>that, the
>coroner used his tools to remove the dead mans'
>schlong. He
>
>stuffed his
>prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first
>person he
>showed it to
>was his wife. "I have something to show you that
>you won't
>believe," he
>said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she
>screamed,
>
>"Schwartz is
>dead!"
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>THE THIRD AFFAIR:
>A woman was in
>bed with her lover when she heard her husband
>opening the
>
>front
>door.
>"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She
>quickly rubbed
>baby oil all
>over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
>"Don't move
>until I tell
>you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a
>statue."
>"What's
>
>this,
>honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the
>room. "Oh,
>it's
>a statue,"
>she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one
>for their
>bedroom. I liked
>it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said
>about the
>
>statue, not
>even later when they went to sleep. Around two in
>the
>morning,
>the husband
>got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a
>while
>later
>with a
>sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to
>the statue,
>
>"eat
>something.
>I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days,
>and
>nobody
>offered me
>as
>much as a glass of water."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>THE FOURTH AFFAIR
>A
>man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the
>bar and
>asks
>for a beer.
>"Certainly Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT?"
>exclaimed the
>man. The
>
>barman replied "yes." So the man glances over at
>the menu and
>asks, "Could
>I
>have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas,
>and a fried
>egg?"
>"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that
>comes to real
>money."
>"How
>much money?" inquires the man? "4 cents," he
>replies. "FOUR
>CENTS?"
>exclaims
>the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The
>barman
>replies,
>"Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he
>doing
>
>upstairs with your
>wife?" The bartender replies, "The same thing as
>I'm doing to
>his
>business."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>THE FIFTH AFFAIR:
>
>Jake was dying. His wife,
>Becky,
>was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.
>She held his
>fragile hand,
>tears running down her face. Her praying roused him
>from his
>slumber. He
>looked up and his pale lips began to
>move slightly.
>"Becky my
>darling," he
>whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't
>talk." He
>was
>insistent.
>"Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have
>something that I
>must
>confess."
>
>"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping
>Becky,
>"everything's all
>right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace,
>Becky.
>I....
>I slept
>with
>your sister, your best friend, her best friend and
>your
>
>mother!" "I know,"
>whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."
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