fridays joke

[Ski]

The cigar story is a hoax, although sounds very amusing

[Jas11n]

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He lay awake all night worrying if there really was a dog

[Sidspud]

A contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win the million dollars. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the £32,000 milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 lifeline and her Ask the Audience lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.

But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is 'C' -- the cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Chris Tarrant any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.

On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

Time was up. "I need an answer," said Tarrant.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C) the cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked the host.

"Yes, that is my final answer," she said, breaking into a sweat.

After the usual foot-dragging delay Tarrant said, "You've just...........won!!! You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice."

"You're welcome!" the blonde said.

"By the way," the winner said, not being able to contain the question anymore. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

[mcandmar]

Or the dyslexic kid at christmas who asked satan for a god

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper? Sold his sole to Santa!

[AL80]

What do you call cheese that's not yours?

Nacho cheese.

[topsparky]

did you hear about the banana that got arrested .when asked if he had anything to say he replied "i got in with a bad bunch
later in court he was free on appeal

[volcano rs]

deano you're getting worse

[quattroTurbo]

It's so bad you have to laugh.

[volcano rs]

you can say that again

[rotoryboy]

OK a joke for the Girl's:


Some relatives are gathered in the waiting room of a hospital where
their
family member lies gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor comes in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the
worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the
brain
yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great
length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a
female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding
eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone

wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the
price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

[Jamo]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.

"It represents a candle" he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" said Saint Peter.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just how do those symbolize Christmas?"

The man replied, "They're Carols."

[dan_b]

HA!

[Crawford_S2]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of
the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight
Paddy". Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. Hefalls flat on his
face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself
off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.
"Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get

to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air,
feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and falls
flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,
hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin'way". He crawls up
the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed."
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says "Fock it" and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife,
Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up
Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned, . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

[A6 2,7Biturbo]

lmao

[Jas11n]

Paddy goes to his doctors, as the doctor opens the door Paddy smacks him on the nose.

Doctor says "what was that for ?"

Paddy says "you`ve been telling everybody that my wife has a lovely fanny if you don`t stop telling people this I`m going to hit you again."

The doctor tells Paddy - "Your wife has acuate angina ! "

Paddy smacks the doctor again.