fridays joke

[rotoryboy]

This made me laugh

[Jamo]

LOL! how about this then?

[merlin's S4]

It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump
off.
His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and
he owes thousands of pounds to the bank.
Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump,
Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder

"Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas.
The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump.
"Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant
you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you
will grant me a small favour in
return!"

"Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!!...Thank
you,
Father Christmas promises him that:

1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in
her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your
return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.

2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue
with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody
will have any recollection of your sacking.

3. You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand pounds
in credit, you will have no outstanding
bills.

"Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man.

"What is it that I can do for you?"

Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over.

After a quite brutal rogering, which made his eyes water a little,
Father Christmas asks the man how old he is.

"36" replies the man.

"Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas
aren't you!? Chuckled the fat ******* in fancy dress.............

[Jas11n]

Excellent, made me chuckle

[topsparky]

what do you get if you put your hands in mystic meg's pants?????



answer>your palms red once a month

[rotoryboy]

Hi Folks !!

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have
taken the time and trouble to send me e mail "forwards" over
the past 12 months.

Extra thanks to who ever sent me the one about rat crap
getting into the glue used on envelopes because I now have
to go get a wet sponge every time I need to seal an envelope.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains, dissolve 1p coins and was used
successfully instead of oil in a car engine.

You will be glad to know I have sent my Bank details to a Mr.
Uduwole in Nigeria and he is going to share his deceased
uncle's £1,000,000 with me.

Until then I no longer have any money at all - but that will
change once I receive the £15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in their special email
programme.

I no longer send my bank details online in case anyone is
tapped in.

I no longer put my name on any forms or emails in case
anyone steals my identity!

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I
could be pricked with a sharp point infected with AIDS and
could die.

I no longer leave my drink unattended whilst out socialising
in case someone should drug me with Rohypnol and shag me.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually
genetically modified hybrid mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers.

I have cancelled the Christmas turkey in case I catch bird
flu.

I no longer worry about my soul because at the last count I
have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my
prayers if I forward an e-mail to seventeen of my friends
and make a wish within five minutes.

Also due to your concern in sending me the host of virus
warnings, I have successfully managed to delete the entire
contents of my hard disk 3 times, replaced my hard disk twice
and now no longer open mails from anyone at all!

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that
I will now return the favour!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 7 minutes your eyes will explode and your genitals
will go black and drop off and you will have bad luck for the
next 12 months!

Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

[Corey]

Bruce walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

[audi90]

i get it lol very good

[merlin's S4]

Little Winston comes home from school one day and says to his Mum,
"Mum, how come I've got the biggest ***** in my class? Is it because I'm black?"

"No", his mum replies, "It's cos you're 19 and retarded!"

[topsparky]

paddy comes out of the pub on christmas eve night absolutely piiised gets into his irish sports car (you know the jcb gt) gets 300 yards down the road and gets pulled by the police
the officer says "EXCUSE ME SIR YOU 'RE DRUNK"
paddy replies with a smile on his face "THANK CHRIST FOR THAT I THOUGHT MY STERRING HAD GONE"


HAPPY XMAS AGAIN

[dan_b]

A man has been walking for days in the desert and is desperate for a drink of water.
He suddenly happens upon a small shop.

Man: Do you sell water?
Shop owner: No, but I can sell you a tie.

The man turns a way in a huff, totally dejected.

Later, he sees a hotel. He races over to speak with the concierge at the door.

Man: Do you sell water.
Concierge: Why, yes we do, but you'll need a tie to get in...